Title: Torn Jeans, Starry
Rating: R for crude language, angst, heavy themes,
and sexual situations.
Summary: "I died for the first time in November."
I died for the first time in November.
I’m alive now, but I swear to god that on that wet, rainy day
my blood stopped flowing through my veins and my heart ceased to beat.
He was killed in action my sister sobbed to me, right outside my maths classroom. It seemed almost funny that it would happen then, with my
mates watching me from inside the door, confused looks on their faces.
I felt dizzy, faint, like I was going to vomit all over the place.
My twenty-year-old brother? Dead?
Killed in action?
Fuck action I yelled in her face, not really understanding what I was trying to say.
Fuck! What the fuck are you– what the fuck?
I pushed my way out of her embrace and I ran, I swear I ran until
I didn’t know how to run anymore and my brain was just still and my fingers were numb with the cold and I died then.
On the middle of the sidewalk, an 18-year-old girl, dying and suffocating and bleeding to death while a house-wife-mother
stopped on the other side of the road with her baby in its carriage. I shot her the dirtiest look I could muster because oh,
god, how I hated that woman then, with her perfect life so free from loss and so untainted and Just What I Couldn’t
I held my head in my hands and I was suddenly afraid of the information
I had actually lost my brother.
It seemed too serious and too horrible to be real and I desperately
beat my fists against the ground trying to break the skin and prove to myself I was still conscious, and even then I wasn’t
satisfied because all it did was make me hurt for him and the last thing I wanted to do was cry but it got to the point where
I couldn’t keep them from coming. I wiped them away and tried not to sob oh my god I tried so hard but I just couldn’t
I sobbed so fucking hard I thought I was going to asphyxiate
because my lungs weren’t doing their job correctly and my throat was closing up, and I was desperately gasping for air
but it couldn’t quite reach me and I screamed loud, really fucking loud for no reason at all except for that my voice
wasn’t really capable of containing itself right then and people were coming up to me left and right asking me Should
I call a doctor? and I told them to Fuck off because I’m the last one who needs a doctor because he was
the one that really needed a doctor when there wasn’t one to help him.
And then I got home and my Mum was standing there in his room, touching
his bed-things and his pillows and hugging his old jumpers like she would die too if she let them go. I just watched her there
from his doorway because there’s was something so ridiculously mesmerizing about watching her weep for her Dead Son.
Suddenly she heard me behind her and she broke out of the trance she
was in and she walked up to me, and for a moment I was so sure she was going to hug me but instead she closed the door hard
in my face and I wasn’t at all prepared for it, her once and for all shutting me out of her life and I started crying
again, and I crumpled against the floor and we were both sobbing on opposite sides of the door but Rob was gone for good and
we both realized then that he would never be there to open it.
More will come soon; sorry Wills isn't in the story yet. Thank you for reading!